Can I Be TOO Honest with My Partner?
Hey folks, Lindsay here. I’m back to share the second part of my conversation with Mak, a fellow Radical Honesty Trainer and one of my past romantic partners.
If you didn’t read Part 1 of the conversation where we broached the topic of honesty about attraction (or lack thereof) in romantic relationships, along with how Radical Honesty can impact relationships (and more!), you can find it here.
Read on for my replies to Mak’s probing questions, a few tips for practicing Radical Honesty in intimate relationships, and an invitation to a free webinar and a new online relationship workshop offering!
Here we go:
Mak: How was it for you to hear my negative judgments of your appearance? What was the effect on our relationship?
Lindsay: It was really hard! I imagine I made it really important what men thought of me, in particular, you, at the time. I imagined a lot of my value being in my appearance, and a lot of my self acceptance being tied up in external validation, especially from men, especially from male partners.
I remember, before you shared your judgments, I imagined that you weren’t all that attracted to me, physically, and I was adamant that you be honest with me about it. I asked you several times to be specific with me about what you didn’t like. Not because I wanted to torture myself*, but because I wanted you to say it out loud, feel your feelings, go through it, and GET OVER IT! And then be madly attracted to me :D
Although I know it’s absolutely possible to be honest about things we dislike or resent in others and come around to appreciating those same things, I hate to report to our readers that that’s not what happened in our case! I mean, I believe you appreciated me overall, but didn’t end up madly attracted to me :)
(*And I imagine there IS some way I wanted to torture myself a bit too… to confirm that I WAS RIGHT to have the insecurities that I did/do.)
Mak: Thanks for confirming my suspicions ;)
Mak: Was there any honest sharing during our relationship that you wish we had kept under wraps?
Lindsay: There were definitely times, when we were still going through it, that I wished I didn’t know what you actually thought about my appearance… Well, really, I just didn’t want it to be true and tried to convince you to think differently! And now I strongly believe that ultimately I was better off knowing the truth and being responsible for myself with that information, responsible for how I chose to proceed, what I chose to do with what I knew.
And although I took longer to get over this particular resentment toward you than most things, and I was creating a lot of suffering for myself around it at the time, I imagine I’ve benefited GREATLY from having the opportunity to look at my dependence on men’s approval of me from that particular angle, from within an intimate relationship. I don’t know that I could have accessed that in quite the same way otherwise.
Mak: I’m happy to hear that! I notice a bit of lightness in my chest. I imagine I’ve still been carrying around the lingering worry that I “did long term damage” to you in some way.
Mak: I mentioned that for me, Radical Honesty was the foundation of our relationship from the very beginning. What do you think was the role of honesty in our relationship?
Lindsay: Thinking about it now, I imagine the foundation of honesty was kind of a playground or experimental lab for us to fool around in and get to know ourselves (and each other) better- like we’ve both said, we got to take a nice, close look at our insecurities, and we also learned a lot about our relationship patterns, our own desires and preferences, our core values, what we want from the people we date or partner with, and how we want to be in relationship with others.
I’m a little embarrassed to admit that, at the time, I think I mostly thought about Radical Honesty as the fail-proof method that would bond us together. If we were honest about everything, we could get through anything. And stay together.
At this point I think honesty did help us get through everything so we can still have a loving friendship now, with that same strong foundation.
Mak: Agreed. As we mention in our video, people often look to some tool to “fix” a relationship, make it work forever. At least in the case of honesty, I think that’s the wrong approach.
Being honest helps us get clear on what works and what doesn’t by helping us clean up our unfinished emotional business. Being honest CAN help to maintain a loving and happy relationship that lasts forever. It can just as easily help us get clear on the fact that we’re simply not very compatible (in our case because we wanted a fundamentally different structure to our relationship). If we can get clear that the relationship is simply not working, we can part ways amicably, having learned something important about ourselves, and moving on toward creating the life that we want, rather than leaving each new relationship with more unfinished business than when we started it.
M: For me, being honest about my insecurities was a great tool in overcoming those insecurities. Did you have the same experience?
L: While in the experience, NO. I’d like to be able to say yes, and that just wasn’t the case for me. I do believe that’d be the case for some people who started out with better self esteem than I did. (And I will say more about this when we have an open conversation with others on the topic- I have a lot more to say!)
Since being together and breaking up, I do imagine I’ve naturally shrunk my insecurities in large part because of being honest about them, with you and with others.
Mak: Same. In my own experience, the more I talk about my insecurities, the less weight they carry for me.
Mak: One of the biggest themes for me in our relationship was accelerated personal growth. However, I often wondered toward the end if my own personal growth was coming at your expense. Looking back over 5 years later, what are your thoughts?
Lindsay: Again, I think that a lot of my personal growth that resulted from our honesty with each other came after we were no longer together. I imagine I was so attached to being together romantically that I was more focused on the pain and struggle I associated with the idea that you weren’t into me like I wanted you to be.
It makes sense to me that because, among many other factors, you weren’t so focused on or attached to or even interested in being together as committed partners, you were probably more aware of the in-the-moment benefits and growth you were experiencing.
Maybe you were committed to honesty for personal growth and transformation, and seeing what was possible in relationship with others, and like I said before, at the time I imagine I was more committed to honesty to bind the two of us together, specifically.
Now I can clearly see Radical Honesty as a great practice that can lead to personal growth and transformation, AND can be used to create intimacy and deep connection in relationships. And in the end, I do believe that’s what the practice did do for us, just not in the way I originally hoped.
Mak: I recently saw a video of Dr. Gabor Maté discussing two of the most primary human needs which are often in conflict with one another: attachment and authenticity. I think your response speaks to how my focus was on being honest to achieve authenticity (in the sense of individual self-actualization), while your focus was on being honest to secure our attachment.
M: Was there ever anything that you withheld from me in our relationship? Something you did or felt or thought that you never fully shared with me? If so, what?
L: Not that I recall… I was so committed to sharing all the hard and dark and ugly bits of my mind, and I think I was pretty thorough in doing that! Hmmm, I’m thinking… I really think I shared all the important things! I DEFINITELY shared when I was mad at you, and when I didn’t like something you did or said and when I really loved and appreciated something you did or said, when I felt particularly physically attracted to you, things I wanted sexually (maybe could’ve done more of that), my insecurities, my judgments of you, jealousy about other women you were dating, ways I wanted you to be different and shitty expectations I had for you, and even admitting when I was sharing things with you with the intention of hurting you and wanting you to feel bad or doubt yourself or change.
I probably didn’t let myself be as transparent as I could’ve been about just how desperate I was for your attraction, and how pathetic I imagined myself to be because of that desperation. That’s HARD stuff to share fully! I didn’t want you to think of me as even MORE desperate and pathetic than I thought I already appeared. And I do think that if I had let myself really go there and completely go through those deep feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and shame while still dating you, I probably would’ve come out the other side more quickly.
M: And, a final question for our readers: When reflecting on our relationship and any you’ve had since beginning to practice Radical Honesty, what are 3 important tips you’d give people who’d like to be more honest in their relationships?
L:
Keep in mind that although practicing Radical Honesty can have a tremendous positive impact on relationships, it is not a magic pill that will solve everything, especially if you’re bound and determined to use this practice to fix your relationship, your partner, or yourself. If that’s your intention, try sharing about that motivation every time you realize your desire to fix is what’s propelling you forward. We can definitely use our honesty with the hidden agenda of manipulating and changing others… experiment with what happens when you also share honestly about your agendas.
Get support! Navigating through uncharted waters in your intimate relationships when emotions are big can be VERY challenging. Ask another friend who practices Radical Honesty to support you and your partner by sitting with you to work through a conflict, join a workshop with your partner, or do some sessions with your partner and a Radical Honesty Trainer. Having the support of others can make all the difference in getting through a conflict honestly and getting to true, full-body forgiveness.
You don’t need “buy-in” from your partner in order to be honest with them.
If you’ve talked with your partner about practicing Radical Honesty together and they said that they’d rather not, you can still practice being honest with them- telling them what you’ve previously withheld and what you’re thinking in the moment, including when you are mad at them, feeling insecure or scared, when you want something from them, and when you’re appreciating them for something they did or said and feeling madly in love.
Although it can be tempting to keep hiding yourself if your partner is hesitant to share more, I encourage you to share yourself even when you’re scared.
Many of us withhold truths, or outright lie, and reason that our partner doesn’t actually want us to be honest or that they “can’t handle the truth”. Even if you imagine that’s the case, you can still make the choice to be honest if that’s what you want for yourself. In some cases this might inspire your partner to share more too, and in other cases this might help you both realize that you’ve got different core values (like honesty) that you may choose to live with, or may not!
If you’re interested in hearing more of this conversation, LIVE, Mak and I are offering a FREE 60 minute webinar Can I Be TOO Honest with My Partner? on Monday, October 10th at 9am PDT/ 12pm EDT / 6pm CEST and we’d love for you to join us for a more in depth conversation on this topic, and we’re happy to answer your questions!. Register in advance for the call, HERE.
We’re also offering a brand new online Radical Honesty for Lovers class beginning on November 5th and we want you and your partner/s to be there with us!
We’ll have 6 live 2-hour calls, spanning a period of 13 weeks, during which you’ll have two dedicated coaches and a committed community of couples with whom to practice Radical Honesty, get focused support, deepen your connection with your partner, spark a new kind of appreciation, and recharge your relationship!
Learn more and sign up for the class, HERE. Early Bird pricing through October 1st!
I’m co-leading the following workshops and online offerings:
Get Over Shit & Be Happy Online Course: October 26th- December 7th (w/ Mak!)
Weekend Workshop, Denver: October 28th- 30th
Radical Honesty for Lovers: November 5th- February 4th (w/ Mak!)
Weeklong Workshop, Arizona: January 14th-22nd, 2023 (w/ Mak!)