Honestly, I’m single, and scared to mingle…
I haven’t dated anyone, or had sex with anyone (other than myself!) in over three years.
You might be thinking, holy smokes! That’s a long time!
Or maybe you’re thinking, 3 years, heh, I haven’t had sex in 8!
Whatever you’re thinking, you might be able to relate to my story.
Since I was about 11 years old, I’ve almost never been without some sort of romantic interest and connection, and since 16, haven’t gone long without a sexual partner. I’ve maybe spent a few months here and there without these things, but it was rare.
So about three years ago, in 2019, I consciously chose to take a break and focus on myself.
I didn’t decide on a certain length of time, I just wanted to go with the flow and pay attention to myself and the experience I was having as a single person in the world, not focused so intently on someone else. Then Covid started at the beginning of 2020 and that had an impact (I think?) on the length of time I’d go without dating and sex- it’s now 2022 and I’m still single.
This time without a romantic/sexual partner has been great for me in myriad ways. Just naming the first things that come to mind—I’ve read a bazillion books, I’ve loved living on my own and making a space completely my own, exactly the way I wanted it, and then had the chance to live with a friend, I’ve become even closer with my closest friends and spent so much quality time with them, learning and growing and having fun, and have been very involved in the lives of my friends’ babies and kids.
To my great surprise, I didn’t long for or even really miss a romantic and/or sexual connection during this time! Even during lonely Covid restrictions!
And now, now, I’m starting to feel an interest again… still not a longing, but I’m definitely feeling ready to get out there again.
Ready, AND SCARED!!
I’ve never gone so long being single!
I’ve never gone so long without being sexual with another person!
I’m genuinely, regularly asking myself the following questions, with worry and concern, and if you’re in a similar boat of Singledom, maybe you’ve questioned the same:
Do I even have the ability to be attracted to anyone anymore?
Can I still feel “chemistry”, or will I miss it?
Do I still know how to flirt? Do I even want to flirt?
Am I able to attract anyone? Is there anyone out there who will be into me, now that I’m even more deeply my weird self?
Am I already too set in my own ways to want to or be able to cooperate and eventually, possibly cohabitate with a new partner?
Will I still like sex with other people?
Am I open to casual sex at this point, with people with whom I feel safe and comfortable, or will I find myself only open to sex with people with whom I can imagine partnership and feel a deeper love?
Do I want a partner or partners, and something long lasting, and to live with a partner again, or do I actually prefer living alone and having my own space and plenty of my own time?
Can I remain this healthier, more stable, more securely ME version of myself if I start dating again, or will I lose myself somehow?
If there’s some sort of progress I’ve made during the last three years, will that all be lost if I get swept up in romantic and sexual feeling with someone?
Can I even truly be healthy, happy, and whole when in a romantic relationship with someone, or am I doomed to be codependent, anxiously attached, and devoid of my own direction???
OhMyGosh. It’s easy for me to almost completely scare myself out of my new interest in dating. There’s a way that I want to be brave and explore, and find out the answer to some of these questions and learn a million other things in the process, and there’s also a way that I want to avoid finding answers to any of those scary questions, in case I won’t like the answers. I could just continue to enjoy the perks of being on my own.
Do you relate?
Are you single and creating a similar dilemma for yourself?
Would you like to talk about it with people who are in the same boat??
I’m offering a series of four 2.5 hour sessions on this topic and would love to get a small group together to meet weekly, do some group and paired exercises, get into some conversations together, and really BE in our experience of wanting to date AND being scared to date, and see what comes of our time together, digging in.
In case it’s not obvious, I don’t have any answers for you! I’m not a relationship and sex expert and I’m not offering 5 Tips to Land the Relationship of Your Dreams!!!
I’m offering you time and space with a group of people who are experiencing something similar, and coaching with me, a Radical Honesty Trainer with lots of experience being with and supporting people in honest, open conversations about big and challenging things.
Airing out the sort of thoughts and fears that I wrote about above can have a cathartic effect that helps us to take ourselves—and our scary what-ifs—a little less seriously, and to genuinely become more curious and creative about what’s possible on the path ahead.
I’d love to be a support to you along the way.
If you’d like to give it a try, let me know that you’d like to get in on the conversation.